is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I didn't notice because vodka
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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