we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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