We're facebook friends in real life
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
