guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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