I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
