I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
