I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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