first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
