you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
