I cannot find my penis.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize