I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
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she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
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I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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