if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
