i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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