I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
