I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
