He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
