I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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