Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
