I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
