I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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