They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
