I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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