when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
dude i'm inner monologue high
I wish they made helmets for livers.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
