She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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