those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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