phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
