mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
