I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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