Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
