I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
