Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
