I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
