OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.