I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.