Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm getting married
To pizza
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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