you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
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BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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