Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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