If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
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