i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
