Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
