omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
