Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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