'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
do herpes really smell.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
