allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
