I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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