Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Randomize
