You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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