there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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