She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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