There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
