I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
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It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
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I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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