I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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