I wish you could order shots online.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
