Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
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I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
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I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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